Back to School Playlist

I make playlists because there is nothing in my life that better defines exact snippets in time and emotions more than music. Since I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to making it- I have assumed the occupation of listening to it.

I make playlists because these are the songs that fill the empty spaces between my words and the songs that prompt my thoughts. I record my playlists because they are awash with the music that fills the cavities left by the language I am oftentimes unable to place. Or utter. Or identify.

So this is it- the last “back to school” playlist I will ever make. (unless, of course, I decide to pursue a PhD. Ha.)

Mika- Rain

Eros Ramazzotti and Anastacia- I Belong to You

Alicia Keyes- Doesn't Mean Anything

Lily Allen- Fuck You Very Much

Beatles- Don’t Let Me Down

Black Eyed Peas- I Gotta Feeling

Michael Jackson - This is It

Kings of Leon- Notion

Adriano Celentano and Mina- Acqua e Sale

Robbie Williams- Angels

Kate Rusby- Planets (thank you, Jessica!)

Hotel Costes 2, La Suite- Sympatique, Pink Martini and Night Over Manaus, Boozoo Bajau

Fanfarlo- Fire Escape

Matt Hires- Out of the Dark

Zero Assoluto- Per Dimenticare

Jay Z feat. Mr. Hudson- Young Forever

Akon- Freedom

Unambiguity

I have hundreds (literally. hundreds.) of unfinished drafts of random thoughts and three-worded descriptions of things and people and places. I’ve done so much in the last few months- encounters and meetings and mornings and evenings- that run periodically through my mind at the most inopportune times. They all mean something significant to me but I cannot seem to turn them into evocative language. I cant put my finger on what the significance of any of it is- and where the lessons can be found.

I spent a month in China- it was a life changing experience- and I have yet to write about it. I spent a summer vagabonding around the world for what will probably be the last time in my semi-adult life. I’ve lost someone important to me. I am back in Barcelona for the final months of the “MBA period” of my life- something I can never get back but am anticipating the end. I’ve ended friendships, I’ve strengthened bonds, and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about the people in my life- and whether they belong here or not. 

 I’m in the process of making changes- of making decisions- big decisions…and for some reason, I feel like the consequences or costs of these decisions will be the lasting kind. And because of this, I’ve become inert. I can’t write a simple sentence about a simple experience. I can’t move. I cant say “yes” because “no” might be the right answer. I can’t look up cause I’m afraid of what I’ll miss by not looking down.

These are the biggest decisions I have ever had to make and they are looming so close that I am beginning to suffocate. It’s not about choices- because I’ve never been a believer in selecting only from what is laid out in front of me- instead I’m trying to figure out what brings me joy and then somehow mold that into a career for myself- all the while creating something sustainable, profitable (enough to validate this whole MBA thing), valuable and most importantly, fitting.

I came here a year ago not knowing what I wanted to leave doing- I had some ideas, some suggestions and some thoughts- yet everything I had outlined has expired. And every path that I had routed has either become a dead-end or so obscured that I can’t make it out anymore. This isn’t a bad thing- it’s just an unexpected thing.

I don't know how many people embark on an MBA with the objective of mapping out the rest of their lives- at least their professional lives. I had laid on the expectation and then sat and patiently waited for something or someone to come calling- showing me the way…

Unfortunately, “the way” is just as blurry as it was when I began- as it was when I graduated college, as it was when I found my first job, my second, and third- and “my path” is now as shadowy and dim as it was when I began my MBA. I know more about myself- and I have more knowledge, there is no doubt about that. I can DO more- much more. But it is where I want to apply this knowledge that is vague. There are no classes about this. Not in business school.

Right now- I am wishing I were one of those people who came to the MBA with a plan. Unfortunately, the MBA was my plan. I had hoped that throughout this experience, a more concrete idea would form- but it hasn't. The MBA is still my plan. And when it’s over? Then what?

Until that fateful day, I will keep attending career fairs, keep writing sentence-long journal entries and then abandoning them. I’ll keep reading cases and waking up for classes and hopefully- before too long, I´ll have a clear direction to go in. I’ll see everything that is indefinite as definite- and everything ambiguous as decided. I’ll be able to define all my relationships and compartmentalize them perfectly. I’ll find the words I’m looking for and I’ll use them as they were meant to be used. I’ll do with my life what I was meant to do all along- whatever that may be.

Go-Time

In the unofficial/unwritten guidebook about MBAs, the second year is a breeze. We actually get to choose our own courses and therefore, tailor them to our interests and needs. Schedules are a lot looser and free time is actually free.

What I didn't expect was the squeeze- the time when you are so close to the edge of something that you know if you don't go left and you don't go right- you are going to fall right off. And after two years and a lot of dinero, you definitely can’t go backwards.

So it’s decision time- time to make choices. And if I were to write this “brochure”- direct and openly, I would have a million footnotes in there too. Like all the peripheral influences making these choices harder.

I know that not everyone is like me, that there are many different profiles found amongst MBA students...but I know and understand my situation- and I know that 1. I am not married. 2. I am 28 years old  and 3. I'm still searching. I think I would be more “OK” with a new beginning and a new path if it weren’t for everyone around me seeming to exist on a different level.

I spent my first long weekend in quite some time at home. I hung out in my flat, didn't leave Barcelona by plane or train and I gave myself the gift of “me” time. This means: catching up on Grey’s Anatomy and Entourage. It means listening to the Beatles and eating grilled cheese in bed. It also means scanning facebook in order to catch up on all the gossip I missed.

In the past, my perusal of facebook consisted of seeing who got fat, who got a great job, who moved across the world. Now- it’s more of a tally of who is married, who is engaged, who is pregnant, and who has kids. This info isn’t too hard to unearth- considering the people I know who kindly put their sonograms as their profile pics- and each new wedding photo or honeymoon shot or adorable little family foto is like another thorn in my side. Because at the end of the day, here are all the people I grew up with – and they have families and secure futures and its kind of all just settled in a nice and tidy parcel. And here I am- on the totally opposite side of the spectrum- deciding on a new career- making choices about who I want to be, what my professional goals are, how much of a difference do I want to make in the world and what continent I want to tackle next. And yes, this is me…I am an explorer and I have so much more I would like to accomplish before I do any kind of settling- but at the same time, I have the moments where I wish I had chosen an easier path.

The unknown is scary…but the unknown for someone nearing 30 is far more terrifying.

Before the MBA, and during- I had this as my identity: Business Student in Barcelona. The future was just the future and the past just the past. Now the future is approaching at lighting speed and I am realizing that I can no longer hang on to the “ESADE student” identity that has been my padded cushion for the last couple years.

I am not a wife, I am not a mother and it doesn't look like I am any closer to having a ring on my finger than I was when I was applying for the MBA. I can’t go backwards, I have learned that. I don't know what’s to the left, and I don’t want what’s to the right.

So as time passes far too quickly, I realize that I am being pushed forwards- frenziedly- and six months from now, I will fall off.  It’s up to me to figure out what is waiting at the bottom.

It's “go- time”…and time to get rid of my facebook account.

Diff'rent Strokes

This blog didn't begin as an “MBA blog.” I never intended it to be that way- but this blog is about my life- and therefore, it’s about being an MBA student.

There are a number of people who come to me for advice, or answers and what-not- who are looking for a general idea about what it is like...whether to be a student in an international MBA, or an ESADE student, or a student during the crisis. Whatever it is- I do my best to answer honestly- and in my posts, I sincerely attempt to provide at least a little glimpse into how I really feel about the world around me- the world I have created for myself- and everything I am living as I am living it.

At the same time, I know that I am not a conventional MBA student- far from it actually. Therefore, in hopes of providing a multifaceted and authentic view, I have invited one of my fellow students to write a post for the site about the MBA.

This particular classmate is the yin to my yang- he is possibly the anti-Morgan, which is ok- I appreciate this and although he and I had what one may call a "rough start," he has grown to be one of my best friends in the program. Despite the fact that what I see as black, he sees as white- and despite the fact that he judged me and continues to judge me daily, i've learned more from him than I have anybody else.

Now, I am taking this opportunity- while he is off on Exchange and in another country, where he can't strangle me for posting this, to provide you with another perspective.

So here it is, Thanks "Yin":

“I think Morgan asked me to write for her blog because I have a totally different background and mindset and because most of the program was a refresher for me when it was a struggling discovery for her, so all-in-all a different experience.

Well, unfortunately, I have a short-excitement span. So even though there were many times I was excited and enjoying my experience, I am unable to either remember or transmit it here. But I can say it's so much more worth while then a BMW, for what it costs...(I am not that much into cars anyway). I get to live in a place I have always wanted to live, I get to meet and enjoy work and fun with people of similar interests though with different histories, I get time to think about goals, career, needs, and mostly I learn something every day. For me, one of the best features of an MBA is that you get to simulate your life. One day you are the head of marketing, one day a banking analyst, one day you are an entrepreneur, one day a CIO etc. In many classes, whether for a presentation or a case study, you get to be in the shoes of someone who has a problem to solve. This is the kind of interesting and intellectually stimulating challenge you would never get in your work, whatever you do just because rarely people can ever get such a broad career. This is what allows you to break from the shackles of your expertise or your professional background and imagine yourself in a variety of professions.

I don't have the belief that an MBA will allow one to change careers easily, but it allows one to consider other careers and work oneself through getting where one really want to go. When I say you get time during 18 months to find what you want to do in life. It's actually a double-edged sword. If you get seduced by new fields of interest, that is not helping you decide does it? It makes you actually wonder more about the possibilities and what you could be missing. I think I am not the only one in my class who got lost in that perplexity. Engineers doing an MBA are typically career changers, a lot of them got into engineering by mistake, or needed to work in more holistic or less object oriented occupations and did not manage to work off the label and do it. Some MBA candidates knew what they wanted from the start and stuck to it. Some knew, then doubted, and then came back to their original goal. Some did not know then went to a process of elimination and figured it out. And some, like me, did not know, looked for more, found more and still don't know, but with even more confusion then before because the more a career path becomes tangible, the more it becomes interesting. What makes us move, what makes us happy? For some it's the money or material well-being, for some it's power, for some it's the social encounter (friendship and love), for some it's the intellectual stimulation and thirst for knowledge (I'd include thirst for adventure here), etc. Some will find several of the above through an MBA (maybe not the power though). I have found anticipation to seek for grounds that I would have not considered before. Rather then getting anxiety of getting stuck into a particular expertise, I have sought here basic knowledge that could enable me to seek a range of professional interests. That is what the recruiters tell us at least: the few companies in industry who are genuinely interested in MBA graduates, beyond the simple benefit of recruiting from a pool of candidates who have already been filtered by admissions officer, and there are not that many of those companies after all, seek individuals who will be able to lead in a variety of assignments, working across the functional silos.

The week I left my job, I stumbled on this quote and it just fitted so well with my own search: "One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else." I so hope this can apply professionally. I speak 5 languages, but not one really well. I have been practicing a variety of collective and individual sports, on water, on snow, on grass, on courts but I am not great at any of them. My academic background is a bit of anything ranging from maths, physics, chemistry, management science, economics, finance without any true expertise. My last job was between sales, engineering, operations and finance but not in any of those functions really. I have lived in about 10 cities and would still need a GPS in all of them. I am a large breath, small depth kind of person. And I hope that is needed as well in business, just like mathematician-anthropologists are needed to solve the unsolved problems of the Incas, psychologists-financiers are needed in behavioral finance or literary scientists are needed to make us understand what a wormhole is.

So hopefully, through this multi-disciplinary program, I will be able to continue and live out a search for broadness and interests...that is if I don't get lost on the way like Alice's rabbit...talking about Alice: "One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? She asked. Where do you want to go? Was his response. I don't know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter."

Part Deux- The Beginning

It was a big surprise when I walked into school on Monday morning and realized, unlike everything I was expecting, that I was happy to be here.

I spent the latter portion of the summer working myself up about being in Barcelona again. I was worried about my shrinking desire to wake up and go to class, do homework, to once again be a student. It’s oftentimes hard to make the jump from one extreme to the other. The summer was a summer of freedom- of relaxation- of indulgences. School, on the other hand, is full of schedules, obligations and one of my biggest fears- order.

Instead, I walked in and as I saw classmate after classmate- my heart warmed. I was genuinely happy to see the people who both endured and enjoyed the MBA alongside me all last year. It was gratifying to be with them again, at the start of the second year, knowing that we made it through the tough part- and more importantly, we’re now commencing the “fun part”- or so I hear.

I often talk about how these people have become a type of family- however much we may like or dislike each other- we are all somehow interconnected and furthermore, dependent on one another. Yet when I saw the familiar faces walk down the familiar halls and give me familiar hugs- I felt like I came home again. And that was shocking- that I had feared coming back to a city that was not my own, to a group of people that didn't even know my name a year ago- and I actually felt, after a very long summer, like I belonged here.

So I went to my locker, took out my course book, walked into class and began the second year of my business education…all in the company of my friends.

The funny thing is that now my fear has changed- instead of being anxious about being here- I’m terrified of it ending. But I guess that's the case with all good things in life- they go too quickly yet inevitably, leave impressions that last forever. 

Censored Elephants

I'm Back! I apologize for the radio silence, as I feel like an absent mother...

After nearly a month in China, two missed flights and countless stamps in my passport, I am back in Barcelona and ready to face year 2 of my MBA.

Unfortunately, China being the Communist country that it is, I immediately came to the sad realization that my beloved blog is blocked. As to why "I Bet Elephants Taste Like Mushrooms" is banned, I can barely begin to imagine. 

After a bit of intense research, I found that one of the reasons the government calls for such repressive measures and controls is in order to subdue attacks, restrain misinformation and suppress activity deemed to endanger social order. To me, it is an intrusion of free speech. Although, not being one of the 1.3 billion individuals whose liberty is impeded by their government, I can only be saddened by it. 

At the same time, I grew up in America, "Land of the Free" and it would be ignorant of me to make any assumptions or claims about a foreign culture to which I have only had minimal exposure. 

What I can say (freely) is that I am happy to be back- with the ability to waste hours on Facebook, send stupid videos to my friends on YouTube, and ramble on and on about my skewed view of the world via this blog.

Lot's to come!

xx

Summer Reading List 09'

It’s been a while since I made a reading list. Actually, it’s been a while since I actually had the time to read for pleasure. I have been so caught up in “suggested readings” and “mandatory readings” and oodles of newspapers just to keep up to speed during the school week that I forgot how much I loved reading.

About two months ago, I picked up a book- and after the first chapter, I remembered. I remembered how much I love reading. That evening, I went to the bookstore and spent a months worth of rent on books. I have been reading and reading and reading. On planes, in bed, in taxis, I never fail to have a book under my arm. I’m trying to get it all in before September comes around and I have to once again put down my books and pick up my case studies and immerse myself in another type of daily activity.

At the moment though- I’m enjoying my reading. And today, after weeks and weeks of nothing but reading- I have decided to share my list for anyone else who loves reading and has forgotten to do it lately.

I know that the list below is not what one would expect to find on a current MBA student’s “summer reading list” but as I say- to each his own!

I must warn though that there are a number of books I am not the proudest to say I own. These are the “girly books” with curvy text and fluorescent covers. I can’t help it. 1. I like these books. I breeze through them and as I am reading them, I escape- the epitome of “Beach reading” because I wouldn't be caught dead in a meeting with any of these books in hand. Secondly, I am not in the US and therefore, the English sections of the local bookstores are sparse. The only other options I have are airport bookstores in which one can find the “Top Ten International Bestsellers” and every version of Angels and Demons that was ever published. (I’ve read it three times.)

So without further ado, here are all the books I’ve read thus far this summer along with my thoughts. I pretty much enjoyed every single one of them, however uncomplicated they may be;

Marian Keyes- The Other Side of The Story (fun fast read)

Jodi Picoult- Mercy (heavy but good)

Jonathan Safran Foer- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (my favorite book of the summer…even better, in my opinion, than Everything is Illuminated!)

Jennifer Weiner- The Guy Not Taken (don't read this one! It's a collection of short stories…not the greatest!)

Bernhard Schlink- The Reader (slow…the movie is probably better)

Stephenie Meyer- Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn (Twilight is great, gets you hooked, the second and third books are incredibly boring. Breaking Dawn was exciting but Meyer could have cut out about half of it.)

John Grisham- Playing For Pizza, The Innocent Man (pizza was one of the worst books I’ve ever read and the latter was fabulous…its Grisham’s first non-fiction)

Hemingway- The Sun Also Rises (again. Always great.)

David Sedaris- Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (same as the rest of Sedaris’ stuff)

Ann Patchett- The Magician’s Assistant (enthralling)

Julia Glass- Three Junes (a little slow but a good read)

James Collins- Beginner’s Greek (loved it)

Ali Smith- The Accidental (just started it but good so far)

A few further thoughts;

I do wish John Irving would write another book.

I’m glad the twilight series is over.

Recommendations welcome…I’m running out of ideas.