Deviating

After arriving home from school yesterday, my entire evening was consumed by fervently reading about Vampires. By fervent, I mean that I’m on book three of the Twilight series. While I should be ashamed of reading novels written for pre-teens as a 28-year-old MBA student, I’m not.

We all have our things. We all have our vices. If my current vice happens to be obsessively reading about fictional affection between mortals, vampires and werewolves - so be it.

There are other things too- other things I shouldn't admit but I will because I have difficulty keeping my own secrets.

Other things- like the fact that although I live in Barcelona, I was actually hoping for a Chelsea victory last night. Definitely shouldn't admit that…

On my way to Spanish on Monday afternoon, I got distracted by BCBG’s summer collection and never actually made it. Instead, I updated my wardrobe.

I have additional issues to identify- I’m not done. These aren’t vices- more like deviations or irregularities. Things about me most people don't know- not because I wouldn't admit to them, but because these things would never come up in any normal conversation.

I have webbed toes, just two and it’s not very noticeable, but there’s no doubt about it- they’re webbed. I inherited them from my grandma.

I often pick up and consume chocolate bars on the way to the gym.

I’m terrified of dying- not of death, but of losing life- and of what other people will find on my computer and in my journals. Death is embarrassing.

I hate being cold. I hate it with a passion- It’s actually painful for me. After last weekend, I hate Milan too.

I still don't “get” Twitter.

I’ve had my heart broken many times- but I keep going back for more…I let myself love far too easily.

I spent Monday night developing old photos and sticking them all over my room in college-dorm style. (so much for my sophisticated pied de terre). 

I missed my friends. I missed my old life- so I surrounded myself with memories of it so as not to feel so far from them. Now I wake up and the first thing I see in the morning, looking at the wall across from my bed- is my best friend smiling at me as we were walking up 5th avenue eating ice cream in the middle of the summer.

What else? I don't have an internship yet. The “not having an internship” isn’t the distressing part…it's the reason for not having one;

About 70% of the students in my class don't have internships yet, but that's to be expected. I cant say that I have been the most proactive in my search but every effort I do and I don't make- is highly considered and calculated. I don't know yet what I want to do- with my life, that is. I have NO idea where to consign the remainder of my working years. In terms of accepting an internship just to “have an internship,” why would I want to spend three critical months in a place I know I don't want to end up?

The MBA has provided me with a type of clarity I didn't expect. Although, in the last 8 months I have not learned exactly what it is I want to do- I have learned what I don't want to do. This is useful- we spoke today about “The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less.” Therefore, it would logically follow that “Less is More” and if I’m narrowing down my choices- I ultimately am left with “more.” So thank you, grad school, for showing me the dark- nay, the light.

I’m not scared of the internship because it would be hard…of course not, I love a challenge. I’m not anxious about returning to the work force- the time is so limited; it would just be like a stop on the way back to the MBA. What I’m fearful of is the opportunity cost of the opportunity. I, once again, am being indecisive. (surprise, surprise). 

I’m nervous to choose something wrong- to waste my one MBA summer on an experience that will only show me another path I will choose not to go down- another bolded “NO” on the list of things I could have done with my life but ended up realizing that they were not for me.

On certain days, I wake up inspired and I think I have found the solution…I look for internships and when the opportunities start to materialize, I go to bed and wake up with another idea- edging out the original plan due to the fear factor of doing something wrong- losing out on an even better opportunity- the PERFECT opportunities…the opportunity cost.

I am not the typical MBA student…that is clear. So what makes everyone pushing me to prostitute my resume around to big multinationals think that it's the right thing to do? 

I’m going for something less traditional- if it takes me a bit longer to arrive there- that's ok with me…nothing genuinely worth anything in life is ever easy.

Therefore, a large part of the reason for not yet having an internship is the fear of making the wrong choice. Not immobility- but trepidation.

I could go on- I could justify why I didn't apply to any mammoth pharmaceutical companies or global banks for the summer…or I could continue to list all my imperfections or the trivial mistakes I make daily. But I cant. I have to study for my Corporate Finance midterm because I wasted last night reading at a first grade level. I can’t say that I didn't enjoy it either.