Pensando

Today was a day of thoughts. 

Of course it was a school day- a day of classes and lectures and coffee breaks and me asking the person next to me what the hell the number on the board means. But it was also a day of thoughts…a day of a lot of thoughts. 

At the gym, I thought about what I would cook for dinner. On the treadmill, I decided on spinach and chickpeas. By the time I got to the mats and started stretching, the plan was finalized: I was going to make minestrone and a smoothie. 

In class, as everyone was talking about MBAT and the past weekend in Paris, I thought about the last minute decision I made to go. It was a good decision. I’m glad I went although I don't think I would do it again. MBAT (especially the Squash episode) was an upsetting reminder of why I don't compete in anything athletic- and my genetic lack of physical ability. 

In elementary school, I was always the last to be picked for dodge ball. Although it never ceased to hurt my feelings, I knew my classmates were making the right decision...I wouldn't have picked me either. 

I don't think I’m ever going to compete in sports again- if only to spare myself the humiliation. 

I thought about my future today. Actually, I started thinking about my future last night after a little bit of a breakdown and about two hours of lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I made a list of things to do with my life and as I was brushing my teeth this morning, a light bulb went off in my head and I think I may have figured it out. For today at least. I’m still thinking about this- a plan is materializing. Wait for it.

I thought about my dad today. It’s his birthday. I think he’s 58. We haven’t spoken in almost a year. 

I thought about growing up. Actually, I tried not to think about growing up but the shocking realization (thanks facebook) that all my friends are either married, getting married, getting engaged, pregnant or giving birth- I had to think about growing up too. I thought about the fact that I am not doing a very good job of it- growing up that is. Maybe if everyone else would simply stop doing it, I wouldn't feel so burdened by the veins I see in my hands when I look down expecting to see something completely different (i.e. a 20 year old version of myself). I have old hands and my friends are all parents. Wah.

Today, I thought about love. I thought about the love I have, the love I have lost and the love that is growing everyday. I thought about love that returns…after all the wounds have healed….and how easily they open back up again. And sometimes, they hurt just as much the second time around, meaning they never really healed at all. Love sucks. Especially the latter kind.

I heard a quote by Lao Tzu. He said, “Free from desire you realize the mystery. Caught in the desire you see only the manifestations.” I thought about this. And I thought about the fact that I desire far too much- that possibly, I will never be free from desire and the manifestations that corrode my insides unremittingly. How does one who desires everything let go of longing? Any ideas?

I have to work on an operations management case right now, otherwise I would keep thinking- keep having thoughts. Maybe the abundance of schoolwork piling up is a blessing in disguise- a reprieve from all this thinking.

Lastly, of course thinking is always accompanied by music. At least in my world. Therefore, here is today’s playlist…a mix of upbeat and utterly miserable…mirroring the range of emotions that all this thinking has put me through:

1. Mika- Happy Ending

2. Sinatra- Moon River

3. Rolling Stones- I’ve Got The Blues

4. Remy Zero- Save Me

5. Melendi- Maldita Vida Loca

6. Beatles- While My Guitar Gently Weeps

7. Damien Rice- Elephant

8. Postal Service- Nothing Better

9. Vasco Rossi- Vita Spericolata

10. Jose Gonzalez- Heartbeats

11. Bob Sinclaire- Love Generation

12. Joshua Radin- Amy’s Song

13. Adriano Celentano- L'emozione Non Ha Voce

14. Pink Floyd- Shine on You Crazy Diamond

15. Manchester Orchestra- Now That We’re Home

16. Red Hot Chili Peppers- Cabron

17. Rod Stewart- Maggie May

18. Amy Winehouse- Back to Black

19. Calogero- Un Jour Parfait

20. Edith Piaf- Je Ne Regrette Rien