Unambiguity

I have hundreds (literally. hundreds.) of unfinished drafts of random thoughts and three-worded descriptions of things and people and places. I’ve done so much in the last few months- encounters and meetings and mornings and evenings- that run periodically through my mind at the most inopportune times. They all mean something significant to me but I cannot seem to turn them into evocative language. I cant put my finger on what the significance of any of it is- and where the lessons can be found.

I spent a month in China- it was a life changing experience- and I have yet to write about it. I spent a summer vagabonding around the world for what will probably be the last time in my semi-adult life. I’ve lost someone important to me. I am back in Barcelona for the final months of the “MBA period” of my life- something I can never get back but am anticipating the end. I’ve ended friendships, I’ve strengthened bonds, and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about the people in my life- and whether they belong here or not. 

 I’m in the process of making changes- of making decisions- big decisions…and for some reason, I feel like the consequences or costs of these decisions will be the lasting kind. And because of this, I’ve become inert. I can’t write a simple sentence about a simple experience. I can’t move. I cant say “yes” because “no” might be the right answer. I can’t look up cause I’m afraid of what I’ll miss by not looking down.

These are the biggest decisions I have ever had to make and they are looming so close that I am beginning to suffocate. It’s not about choices- because I’ve never been a believer in selecting only from what is laid out in front of me- instead I’m trying to figure out what brings me joy and then somehow mold that into a career for myself- all the while creating something sustainable, profitable (enough to validate this whole MBA thing), valuable and most importantly, fitting.

I came here a year ago not knowing what I wanted to leave doing- I had some ideas, some suggestions and some thoughts- yet everything I had outlined has expired. And every path that I had routed has either become a dead-end or so obscured that I can’t make it out anymore. This isn’t a bad thing- it’s just an unexpected thing.

I don't know how many people embark on an MBA with the objective of mapping out the rest of their lives- at least their professional lives. I had laid on the expectation and then sat and patiently waited for something or someone to come calling- showing me the way…

Unfortunately, “the way” is just as blurry as it was when I began- as it was when I graduated college, as it was when I found my first job, my second, and third- and “my path” is now as shadowy and dim as it was when I began my MBA. I know more about myself- and I have more knowledge, there is no doubt about that. I can DO more- much more. But it is where I want to apply this knowledge that is vague. There are no classes about this. Not in business school.

Right now- I am wishing I were one of those people who came to the MBA with a plan. Unfortunately, the MBA was my plan. I had hoped that throughout this experience, a more concrete idea would form- but it hasn't. The MBA is still my plan. And when it’s over? Then what?

Until that fateful day, I will keep attending career fairs, keep writing sentence-long journal entries and then abandoning them. I’ll keep reading cases and waking up for classes and hopefully- before too long, I´ll have a clear direction to go in. I’ll see everything that is indefinite as definite- and everything ambiguous as decided. I’ll be able to define all my relationships and compartmentalize them perfectly. I’ll find the words I’m looking for and I’ll use them as they were meant to be used. I’ll do with my life what I was meant to do all along- whatever that may be.