Friday, April 24, 2009

Tuesdays Without Morrie

Before any term begins, I study the course lists and immediately create expectations of the upcoming classes. I put them into categories- my own groupings- nothing too calculated, actually a bit banal if I’m honest. For example, this semester we have taken on six courses. I have divided them into “interesting,” “piece of cake,” “impossible,” “wtf?,” “there goes my weekends,” and “finally.”

Generally my expectations are accurate and I’m well prepared for what’s to come when classes begin. This semester, on the other hand, though threw me a curve ball. I found myself, just this morning, in "Management Information Systems" learning about EMS systems and database normalization. Believe it or not, I was genuinely engaged. 

On the other hand, my class in the “finally” category has rapidly moved into the “wtf” category and I have made the executive decision to sit in the back of the room and catch up on readings while tuning in and out of the mind numbing lectures. This substantial modification in my assessments has nothing to do with the course material- it is purely professor related. I have found that a subject can be totally transformed simply by the aptitude of the faculty. Which made me think- in terms of our careers and where we end up- that sometimes its not totally dependent on our strengths or our passions- but the people that come into our lives and show us something that may steer us in one direction or another. I’ve encountered very few of these people thus far.

I never had a mentor. I had always hoped, sort of waiting with metaphorically open arms, for someone- a professor, manager, elder- to see a distinct potential in me, take me under their wing, and create a protégé. 
Unfortunately, this never happened. 
I never came across a mentor- and if I did- either they didn't recognize my potential or I was too daft to solicit theirs. Either way, I started wondering today if I would be where I am now had this happened. Probably not. And possibly, I never came across “my” mentor because the paths I took weren’t necessarily the paths I was meant to be taking. There are hundreds of reasons that could be why I never found a guiding hand to direct me towards the light I still haven’t found. 

I’m not lamenting though, don't get me wrong. I confess it would have been nice to have a guide at certain points of bleakness, but I have found that lacking direction is- in itself- direction. And from that- I’ve worked in a number of fields, discovered more about various industries and lived in more countries and on more continents that I ever could have envisaged. Ultimately, I found myself at one if the top MBA programs in the world.
Not too shabby for a mentorless vagrant, is it?

With all the professors that have stood in front of me, all the schooling I have gone through, all the employers and managers that could have inspired me- I never walked away from an experience with a definitive path, or a particular individual I would like to emulate in mind. Of course, I have had a great deal of respect for a number of people I have known- but no one lit a fire inside of me. No one has ever had the effect on me where I look at them and think to myself- “I would like to do what they are doing” or “I would like to be like them one day.” 
My first grade teacher, Ms. Corey, was pretty cool but “cool” in the sense that I cried during the watermelon party the last day of school- not because I wanted to grow up and be a first grade teacher. (Life would have been a lot easier up till now had that been the case!) With that- I am a bit envious of those people who just know who they are meant to grow up to be. And although they are few and far between- I think I’m on the totally opposite side of the spectrum.

When I was little, I wanted to be either Barbie or a famous singer (famous being the operative word). Considering the flammability of Barbie- that prospect went out the window. Plus, when I cut off all her hair and it never grew back, I figured that the human race was a far better option. 
A clear indication that I would never make it as a singer presented itself when my sister and I orchestrated recitals during family gatherings and I was always gently reminded to, “let Tyler sing and you can dance.” Meanwhile, Tyler actually did grow up to be a Berkeley graduated melodiously gifted talented songstress. Such is life.

In my early adolescence, I decided that I would be an astronaut. I thought that the earth was unbelievably limiting, almost confining, so I assumed that the moon was my best bet. Furthermore, also could never grasp this life- I would lay awake night after night contemplating the stars, the infinite sky, the universe- and then it hit me (I actually remember the exact moment)- that I wanted to see the earth from space…and maybe in doing so- I would appreciate it more. 
Shortly after, I learned that being an astronaut didn't entail only courage and intellect- but I would have to have perfect eyesight. Being that I left the womb a bit lacking in the vision department, that one went out the window too. 

After coming to terms with the fact that I would be stuck on earth for the remainder of my years- I was determined to use that time wisely and actually contribute something to the planet. Because of my love for animals (and subsequently my vegetarianism), I decided that I would study veterinary medicine. I actually started interning at a vets office. All was going well until I came across a gravely ill puppy and I realized that no matter what I could have said to him, I could never communicate with animals- I would never be able to take away their pain- only ease or delay it. The “saving aspect” was excellent- but it was all the lost causes- all the death- that would have broken me in the end. 
From there, I stopped searching and just let my professional life take its course. I worked in retail, I was a hostess at a restaurant in college until I got into a fight with the chef and got fired, I was a dance instructor and a lifeguard as a counselor at my old summer camp. I was an Italian translator for a centuries old secret society, I saved sea turtles in Costa Rica, I was an English teacher, I worked in advertising, marketing, media, journalism- I was an executive assistant to a celebrity, I sold ad space in trade publications, I rebranded my family’s fourth generation business- you name it, I probably tried it. I may not have loved every job I have ever held but I love where I am now- and none of this would be possible without all of that. 

I often wonder that if I had met someone along the way- someone so inspiring that I changed course, or stayed on one particular path- where I would be now. What part of the world, in what position, making what kind of money, with whom?
Would I be happy? 
That, I will never know.

What I do know is that never having come across my mentor- I’ve carved out my own trail…I’m still plowing through the unknown everyday in hopes of reaching my destination. I’m not there yet but I’m continuously getting closer- and for now, this is enough for me. 

Therefore, as a means of making myself feel better- but with more truth than there is mere consolation- I’d like to say that a lack of direction is sometimes better than a clear course, complete with crosswalks and traffic lights. 
Because who really wants to encounter a stop sign on the way to the top? 

In the end, all of the wandering that us human beings can find ourselves engaged in can often lead to the most exhilarating of destinations. 


Anonymous said...

"Tuesday's With Morrie!" I loved that book. Dont worry M, you are doing just fine without a morrie. Im sure you will be somebody's morrie one day actually.

Anonymous said...