I’m going to be completely honest here… because that’s what I’m about.
I could hide behind the pretext that the MBA is all-consuming (which it unquestionably is)- but I, nonetheless, have an entire life outside of this masters- a life that is collapsing in on itself, disintegrating more each class I attend, each group meeting I make it to, each reading I complete, each power point presentation I prepare.
There was a point- not too far back in the past, when I worried about what I would write- when there wasn’t enough going on that I feared posting something would make my life seem monotonous- or dull...to others- because in my case- I was happy. That never changed.
This was a time when I was in a relationship- a solid, loving, fair, and beautiful relationship. A “forever” kind of thing. A relationship that seemed like it would be forever.
If forever came tomorrow, right? Not in the case of an MBA. Now, I have no fear of posting- in fact, there is too much going on- a wealth of beguiling and exciting information to relay. So much that I don’t even have time to write. Ironic, isn’t it?
I came here with a boyfriend and soon after, I was on a break. Now, I am in the process of breaking up. For good. Forever? Well, if forever came tomorrow I would surely know how to answer this.
“How to allocate your priorities into your current work”- this is what today’s pharma industry strategy speaker spoke about when discussing R&D. I’m assuming he wasn’t referring to my personal life, but then again- its all about interpretation.
I can’t say that my life is bad right now- far from it. My life is fantastic. However, nothing is perfect. And at those imperfect moments, I can’t help but wonder what would make me just that tiny bit happier. What would complete the puzzle?
If I lived in an ideal world…
Life would be easy. It never has been easy. This is no shock- no surprise- I’ve been told this for years- I have told this to others…maybe I haven’t really believed it until now but its always been a concept…a dark cloud hovering over the happiest (easiest) of times- ready to descend. To rain on my parade.
If life were easy…I would be able to go to bed at three a.m., get up for school in the morning- and have somehow slept ten hours. Public transportation would be private. Traffic wouldn’t exist. Starbucks would taste the same in Europe, money would go on trees, my hair would blow itself dry, the maid would come daily, I wouldn’t have found a cucaracha in my kitchen cabinet last night.
If life were easy- food wouldn’t ever go bad, Adderall would be OTC, cheese would be fat-free, my Spanish would be perfect.
There would be 48 hours in a day and nine days in a week, pimples wouldn’t exist after puberty, I would understand statistics inherently, spread sheets would come to me as naturally as words, and I would know how to shut my damn mouth when appropriate.
My IQ would be on a par with Einstein and my beauty be on a par with Giselle. Pain wouldn’t exist, my nose would be smaller, I would actually have time to write.
If life were easy, I would be able to pay attention in class for more than 20 minutes at a time, it would never rain, and I would have the capacity to please all people at all times- while leaving time for myself as well.
Text messages abroad would be free, my computer would be weightless, the shower would never get cold, my doorman wouldn’t make his own hours, tardiness would be admired, and I would never get sick.
My loved ones would never die, my heels would never bleed, there would be no lines in airports, brown wouldn’t be a color, my teeth would brush themselves, love would be forever.
And so, I come to my point- if life were easy…I could live my life here without ending something spectacular with of one of the people I love most in the world.
If life were easy, I could maintain a relationship in England and maintain my life as an MBA student in Spain.
If life were easy, I could have it all- I would have it all- I could love and be loved and still have my freedom- my wings- my independence.
If life were easy, sacrifices wouldn’t exist.
If life were easy, if it were absolutely perfect- and I lived in an ideal world- I wouldn’t be breaking the heart of my best friend- as I write this.