“…caught in between all you wish for and all you need…” is the sentiment that has been lingering in my subconscious for days. These are the lyrics of a song that my i-pod appropriately stumbled upon during one particularly long metro ride, when I realized that the words reflected exactly what it is I have been feeling since the end of classes.
It’s an incredible song…listen:
(this is the Michael Stipe and Chris Martin version…the best).
So that’s it- I think that I am, fundamentally, caught in between what I wish for and what I need. Maybe that's the human condition. Maybe it’s my condition. I suppose there are some fortunate individuals out there whose desires are consistent with their necessities. Lucky them. I, on the other hand, have entirely polar wants and needs- where the things I long for couldn't be more different from the things I require. I’m not referring to the “givens” as in- I need water but I want champagne…I need sleep but I want waking moments.
No, those aren’t specific to just me. (Trust me, I took a poll)
Instead, I boast a wide range of conflicting interests that tend to result in daily internal struggles:
I need calmness but I want chaos. I thought that the end of school- and the space between one obligation and another would be good for me- that I would finally be at peace after a long stretch of calamity. Instead, I find myself unsettled- frantically twitching inside my own head wondering how I found myself doing nothing and how to make it stop. I know I need still surroundings- serenity- to breathe and think and walk at a pace where the people behind of me start cursing under their breaths.
Instead- I want Bangkok in the dead heat of summer- I want Manhattan at rush hour- dirty metro stations filled with people, pungent smells and the sounds of bums singing and wheels screetching- back to back taxi cabs, feet pounding the pavement and the honking of horns. I actually like the feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach, sweat rolling down the nape of my neck- I want anger and love and hate and passion and desire all at once- traffic and noise and lights and the feeling that it will never end- that the pandemonium will continue for as long as I will…or as long as I can bear it. I know I require rest, my body knows it- sleepy afternoons with the shades drawn. But it’s not what I crave- It drives me mad.
I need a relationship with someone who can wrap me in his arms and shelter me from any harm that may threaten me. I should want a relationship that I feel safe in- that is comfortable and stable. I want to want devotion and harmony- peace and comfort. What I find myself craving- and subsequently seeking- is unrest…the dramatics and ups and downs- the passionate fighting and then if I’m lucky- passionate making-up. I don’t want to know how it will end and what’s around the next corner. I want to wonder- I desire the surprises and disarray. I make messes and if I can’t create them myself, I invite them in. I wait for turmoil to find me. The commotion is what I feed off of and when all that mess turns to something good- and healthy- and normal…I get bored and move on to the next fiery rapport.
I know this is not wholesome- that I should probably go for something more nourishing…but its what I do. It’s what I require.
I need to find myself a career path that is stable and comfortable and profitable. I should want a clean cut route- a 10 year plan. I’ve been making lists of attainable goals- 401ks and tenures. The things I want have no pension plans- no road signals- no straights and narrows. I don't even have a 10-month plan. And in the case that I did- I would probably swerve off the path at month 5, crash, and a little piece of me would die.
So what I NEED- is far from what I want. And now-in the serenity and long empty daylight hours that I thought I wanted…a time where I actually have a second to sit and look back on having accomplished a part of what I needed- I am slowly figuring out that what I knew I wanted has been the same all along. I’m undeniably caught in between all I wish for and all I need….and it seems like this is going to be a lifelong affliction.