Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Final Countdown

It’s the night before the very beginning of my MBA. I’ve loved every minute of my time here from the moment I stepped off the plane. But now, well now is a different story. My alarm clock is set for an ungodly hour. Admittedly, an hour of daylight I haven’t seen in quite some time.

I thought about picking out an outfit- about how wide to smile- how candid to be- how reserved. Should I show my excitement, my nerves? Or should I hide behind who I think I should be as “an MBA student?”

I thought about all of this and then I came to my senses. I took a step back (a big step) and I told myself to get a grip- I’m 27 years old- an adult (of sorts). I am who I am. Some people will like me, others will not- this I am sure of. 
And honestly? What I wear the first day of classes couldn’t matter less. Again, I needed to begin thinking rationally.

I was focusing on the small things…the diminutive trivial details that served the purpose of masking the bigger picture. I’m no Freud but it doesn’t take much to see that pondering silver or black sandals was simply an excuse not to assess the important stuff- the main event: the petrifying fact that in just a few hours, I will officially be an MBA student. 

As I mentioned at some point in the past, I AM as ready as I will ever be. But still- I keep stopping and thinking to myself- “what the hell did I do??” AN MBA? IN SPAIN. Beginning tomorrow. 

So tonight, I say goodbye. I close the chapters that have lead me here and I begin a new one. A big one. A life-altering, eye-opening, mind-blowing experience that will doubtlessly change my life forever. I say goodbye to sleeping in, walking slowly, taking my time, and to a certain amount of freedom. But I’m doing this to allow myself a different type of freedom in the future. A better brand of freedom. 

With all these goodbyes, I say goodbye to me- who I am now, and I welcome the future version of myself—all the while hoping that I will like her as much as I did before. Hoping to make myself proud- hoping to exceed my own expectations- to accomplish more than I’ve ever accomplished. I hope I continue to live fast- give myself over to things with reckless abandon, but that I learn to moderate. 

I hope I finally figure out what it is I really want- that I learn to effectively fuse my passion with my purpose.
I know, come tomorrow, that I wont sleep much- I’ll have minimal time to myself- I’ll be making huge decisions and I hope to make them right. I have to remember to not lose myself- to continue to be who I have learned to be- be strong, be independent, but allow myself the capacity to change- to grow. 

Either way, despite the butterflies attacking my innards- the “impending doom” feeling lingering in the air around me- despite all I have given up to be here right now- I know I am exactly where I should be.

And yes, I decided on the black flip flops.

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